Conversations I, an Atheist Jew, Had With God About How Jesus Was Crazy and a Big Jerk, Part IV

God: Have you seen Passion, by the way? I know I mentioned it last time, but I didn’t ask if you’d seen it.

Me: No. Course not.

God: It’s not the director’s fault, you know, it was a problem with the book too, but here’s what bugs me about it: it’s missing the punch line. It’s got the whole windup, and then it leaves off the end. Here’s how it’s supposed to go, in the original. It’s a Jewish joke, so you might have heard it before.

Me: Well, considering you’re a voice in my head.

God: A man falls off a cruise liner and is struggling to stay afloat. Pretty soon a fishing boat comes along and throws him a line, but he yells back “No, God will save me.” Then a yacht comes and tosses him a life ring, and again he yells back, “No, God will save me.” So of course he drowns, and he goes to heaven and asks Me: “God, why did you let me drown?” and I say “Schmuck, I sent two ships.”

Here’s what Jesus did during his trial. He sits there, refuses to say anything in his own defense.

The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for evidence against Jesus so that they could put him to death, but they did not find any. Many testified falsely against him, but their statements did not agree.

Then some stood up and gave this false testimony against him: "We heard him say, 'I will destroy this man-made temple and in three days will build another, not made by man.'" Yet even then their testimony did not agree.

Then the high priest stood up before them and asked Jesus, "Are you not going to answer? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?" But Jesus remained silent and gave no answer. [Mark 14:55-61]

Worse, the dummy agrees with the charges.

Again the high priest asked him, "Are you the Christ, the Son of the Blessed One?"

"I am," said Jesus. "And you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven."

The high priest tore his clothes. "Why do we need any more witnesses?" he asked. "You have heard the blasphemy. What do you think?"[Mark 14:61-64]

Then they take him to Pilate, and he pulls the same shit.

"Are you the king of the Jews?" asked Pilate.
"Yes, it is as you say," Jesus replied.

The chief priests accused him of many things. So again Pilate asked him, "Aren't you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of."

But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.[Mark 15:2-5]

And you know what? I’m fine with that. You want to be a martyr, be a martyr. But then, when he’s up on the cross and he finally gets it through his block head that he’s got a real problem:

And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"[Mark 15:34]

I think he really believed, up until the nails went through him at least, that I was going to miracle him out of there, and when I didn’t he acted like it was all My fault. Well, I’m sorry. You can’t be totally shiftless, I help those who help themselves and all that. Either that, or you have to believe I’m a complete dick.

Next time: The Sermon on the Mount is bullshit!