Left Behinds

The anti-andrewsullivan.com. Or, the Robin Hood (Maid Marian?) of bright pink Blogger blogs.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Conversations I, an Atheist Jew, Had With God About How Jesus Was Crazy and a Big Jerk, Part III

God: I have a Jesus story I want to talk about, but on my way here I got distracted—did you know that there’s Passion of the Christ merchandising? Am I the last one to know about this?

Me: I didn’t know about it. But I’m not omniscient.

God: I don’t know that we needed the coffee mugs. But my dearest dream now is that fat goth teenagers wear this stuff to piss off their parents.

Me: I’d hate to see you disappointed. And incidentally—on your way here? Do you travel through the Internet?

God: So here’s the story.

As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' tell him, 'The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.' "

They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at a doorway. As they untied it, some people standing there asked, "What are you doing, untying that colt?" They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go. [Mark 11:1-6]

You understand that except for the miraculous part, where Jesus is riding an ungentled horse, this is basically like stealing a brand-new car from the storeroom and expecting the dealer to thank you for taking it. “They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go.” I just bet they did. You’re a poor schmuck farmer standing on the street in some Israeli village, and this huge mob of religious fanatics comes up and takes your horse, and you and your two buddies say, “What the hell are you doing?” and they say, “We’re taking your horse, whazzit look like?” Nice one, Jesus. Dick.


  • At 10:41 PM, Blogger Solomon Grundy said…

    This one is pretty opaque to me. I'm sure it has something to do with how bad Jews are or something, but I just don't get it.

    Is this where that song "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" come from? Perhaps we can turn to Nobel almost-nominee Bono for answers (per usual).

    Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
    Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

    Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
    And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
    Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
    Baby, can we still be friends?

    Ah, yes. All clear now.

  • At 5:33 AM, Blogger TC said…

    id you know that there’s Passion of the Christ merchandising?

    You everheardof "walking the Stations"?

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger Antid Oto said…

    No. What's that?

  • At 3:37 PM, Blogger Solomon Grundy said…

    It's when Catholics reenact the crucifixion. There are like 12 steps (Jesus walking past so-and-so, so-and-so wiping sweat from Jesus' brow, etc.). The idea is to vividly reexperience how much pain Jesus suffered "for our sins" yet still came back and forgave us.

    I don't quite get what it has to do with consumerism, though. When I've seen it, it's usually been a big parade of crying Italian old ladies, with this big cross being carried in the middle of the group. They put all sorts of tchotchkes around the cross and stuff. It's kind of beautiful, actually.

    Oh, and it's clearly, clearly, clearly pagan graven image worship. And not based on any kind of historical fact. But that's what makes it fun!

  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger Antid Oto said…

    I've heard of it in that sense, I just didn't get what our commenter was talking about.


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