Conversations I, an Atheist Jew, Had With God About How Jesus Was Crazy and a Big Jerk, Part III

God: I have a Jesus story I want to talk about, but on my way here I got distracted—did you know that there’s Passion of the Christ merchandising? Am I the last one to know about this?

Me: I didn’t know about it. But I’m not omniscient.

God: I don’t know that we needed the coffee mugs. But my dearest dream now is that fat goth teenagers wear this stuff to piss off their parents.

Me: I’d hate to see you disappointed. And incidentally—on your way here? Do you travel through the Internet?

God: So here’s the story.

As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' tell him, 'The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.' "

They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at a doorway. As they untied it, some people standing there asked, "What are you doing, untying that colt?" They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go. [Mark 11:1-6]

You understand that except for the miraculous part, where Jesus is riding an ungentled horse, this is basically like stealing a brand-new car from the storeroom and expecting the dealer to thank you for taking it. “They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go.” I just bet they did. You’re a poor schmuck farmer standing on the street in some Israeli village, and this huge mob of religious fanatics comes up and takes your horse, and you and your two buddies say, “What the hell are you doing?” and they say, “We’re taking your horse, whazzit look like?” Nice one, Jesus. Dick.