I forgot about this guy

Solomon and I had a lot of fun with Christopher X. Brodeur's 2005 campaign for mayor. Unfortunately, it was in the days before we had a blog and I forgot all about him. Bouldin just mentioned him, though, so here it is, enjoy, Brodeur for Mayor 2005.

A few tastes from "100 INNOVATIONS FOR NYC":

1.

FREE SUBWAYS, AND THE DEATH OF THE MTA

The MTA must be shut down.

Period.

Any candidate who says otherwise isn’t qualified to scrub the few public toilets in town.

We’ll either fold the agency into the Governor’s office (so politicians can no longer escape the voters’ wrath) or we’ll consider making the head of the MTA an elected position, so the agency is no longer immune from angry voters. Unfortunately, I can write over 900,000 words outlining endless scandals of the MTA (which the media kept secret) and my specific details to clean it all up (and “it’s not a CITY agency” is a lame excuse) but you already know it needs to be put to sleep.

My first plan, is to make the subways free, saving us over $300,000,000 of your taxdollars a year (which is wasted simply collecting the fare!) INSTANTLY.


Few people seem to be aware that taxdollars---not the stupid subway fare---- pay for most of the subway anyhow, making fare-collection brilliantly counter-productive.

[....this one goes on for quite a while....]


36.

BATHROOM DOORS MUST OPEN OUT----NOT IN

Whoever the genius was who made most bathroom doors open IN (so I have to touch the filthiest doorknobs on earth to get out) didn’t know what he was doing.

My plan is simple:

all future bathroom doors must open OUT so you do not have to touch it with your hand. This will not only be more convenient, it will reduce the number of colds and other bacteria you catch from other people.

There is no problem too big or too small for me to fix.

Because I actually care about your quality-of-life.

Crazy, hm?



88.

BALCONY LAW

My apartment has a balcony and it's fantastic.

Everybody should have one, and as mayor I would require all new buildings to hava them. (Developers can't complain too much because it's a one-time-cost, which will bring 50 - 100 years of pleasure to the tenants.)

Wham! I just improved the quality-of-life of another million people!

(Should I even point out how much safer I just made NYC in case of fires? Freddy Bloomberg’s plan is to ignore the issue---just like all other issues. He believes that in the event of a fire, you should find the key to the window gate that leads to your fire escape, [Don’t forget to hold your breath, and use a flashlight in case the power’s out!] and then struggle to open it while your home fills with toxic smoke, then climb thru the window out onto the fire escape! Great plan! My plan is a LITTLE more simple and intelligent: in the event of a fire, you walk over to the balcony door, turn the handle, and step out into fresh air! Crazy, hm?)

Just go try and read the whole thing. It's AMAZING.