Left Behinds

The anti-andrewsullivan.com. Or, the Robin Hood (Maid Marian?) of bright pink Blogger blogs.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Erudite Nutter, M, 98, Still Got It, ISO Clever Headline to Woo Gullible Lonelyheart

I've just discovered the LRB Personals. Now, making fun of personal ads is not a fresh idea, but these are not ordinary personals. These are The Most Pretentious Personals Ever. To wit,

List your five favourite books. First, let me list mine: The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing: The Experience and Treatment of OCD, Judith L. Rapoport; Brain Lock, Free Yourself From Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour, Dr Jeffrey Schwartz; The Doubting Disease: Help for Scrupulosity and Religious Compulsions, Joseph W. Ciarrochi; Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts, Lee Baer; The River Café Cookbook, Rose Gray & Ruth Rogers. F, 32. Enjoys cookery, hairclips, lightswitches. Box no. 02/19

Soooo, she's got such a vicious case of OCD that she compulsively lists as many OCD-self-help books as she can fit into an ad? Plus she whimsically enjoys hairclips and lightswitches? Sign me up! There's a good chance this woman is taking the piss (as the Brits say), but still, even a tiny kernel of truth would be way more baggage than any sane man would want to deal with.

Or take this distinguished gent:

At way past seventy, I think it's heavenly, That the Good Lord strengthens me, To bring you to ecstasy. Got a lot more life to live. Got a lot more love to give. The best is yet to come. Poet-playwright-songwriter (75, M) seeks new muse to take the place of the one I've bid a happy goodbye to. afriendbfd@yahoo.co.uk Box no.

There's something actually sweet and charming about this guy. But, "The best is yet to come"? What a smackingly original insight, send me more of your poetry, and quick. Pretty please.

The general trend seems to be erudite ladies and gentlemen (often of a certain age) trying to crack a smile with a witty turn of the phrase. Some of them are very winning, and I could imagine responding. Like, for example:

I butchered three volumes of Seamus Heaney to produce this ad. Publicity exec (F, 31). Box no. 01/12

But then there's this guy:

If I had my way, Christmas would be outlawed. Also, all men would have to wear ladies’ undergarments. Confused ex-military M (62). Never the same after being posted in the Far East (Lancs. Fusiliers - Malaysia, 1965-69). Box no. 01/07

Excuse me? Is that even a personals ad? Or are you just getting that off your chest?

I think, though, that my favorite might be:

Technically, by writing this ad, I’m breaking the terms of my probation. Technically, though, I’m not really a woman either. Two wrongs always make a right in the mixed-up, muddled-up, security-tagged and banned from most Croydon shopping centres world of box no. 01/09.

WHO IS THIS PERSON? MICHAEL JACKSON??? And who in the world is this ad targeting? The King of Bahrain?

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  • At 12:22 PM, Blogger Neda Cole said…

    Too too funny. But how could you leave out this one:

    A chicken laid an egg. And when that egg hatched a chick appeared. That chick grew up and in its turn laid an egg. When that egg hatched, sure enough a chick appeared and fed and grew and in its turn laid an egg. The egg hatched. And the chick that hatched from that egg fed and grew and loved and laid an egg. But when that egg hatched, they found this ad inside! 42-year old chemical-ingesting loon (M). Box no. 01/11


  • At 12:25 PM, Blogger Neda Cole said…

    Don't they have to pay per word for those things? You'd think one less chick hatching one less egg hatching one less chick would have done it...

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger Solomon Grundy said…

    Heh heh yeah that's another good one. Nothing says "marry me" like an overwrought chicken joke.

  • At 7:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Apparently they're bringing out a collection of the best LRB personals.


    I think it sounds like a hoot. There's an appendix all about the stunts and injuries of Evel Knievel (???????!!!) though I'm still not convinced it makes the advertisers any more attractive...


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