Erudite Nutter, M, 98, Still Got It, ISO Clever Headline to Woo Gullible Lonelyheart
I've just discovered the LRB Personals. Now, making fun of personal ads is not a fresh idea, but these are not ordinary personals. These are The Most Pretentious Personals Ever. To wit,
Soooo, she's got such a vicious case of OCD that she compulsively lists as many OCD-self-help books as she can fit into an ad? Plus she whimsically enjoys hairclips and lightswitches? Sign me up! There's a good chance this woman is taking the piss (as the Brits say), but still, even a tiny kernel of truth would be way more baggage than any sane man would want to deal with.
Or take this distinguished gent:
There's something actually sweet and charming about this guy. But, "The best is yet to come"? What a smackingly original insight, send me more of your poetry, and quick. Pretty please.
The general trend seems to be erudite ladies and gentlemen (often of a certain age) trying to crack a smile with a witty turn of the phrase. Some of them are very winning, and I could imagine responding. Like, for example:
But then there's this guy:
Excuse me? Is that even a personals ad? Or are you just getting that off your chest?
I think, though, that my favorite might be:
WHO IS THIS PERSON? MICHAEL JACKSON??? And who in the world is this ad targeting? The King of Bahrain?
Tags:culture,personals ,london review of books
List your five favourite books. First, let me list mine: The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing: The Experience and Treatment of OCD, Judith L. Rapoport; Brain Lock, Free Yourself From Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour, Dr Jeffrey Schwartz; The Doubting Disease: Help for Scrupulosity and Religious Compulsions, Joseph W. Ciarrochi; Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts, Lee Baer; The River Café Cookbook, Rose Gray & Ruth Rogers. F, 32. Enjoys cookery, hairclips, lightswitches. Box no. 02/19
Soooo, she's got such a vicious case of OCD that she compulsively lists as many OCD-self-help books as she can fit into an ad? Plus she whimsically enjoys hairclips and lightswitches? Sign me up! There's a good chance this woman is taking the piss (as the Brits say), but still, even a tiny kernel of truth would be way more baggage than any sane man would want to deal with.
Or take this distinguished gent:
At way past seventy, I think it's heavenly, That the Good Lord strengthens me, To bring you to ecstasy. Got a lot more life to live. Got a lot more love to give. The best is yet to come. Poet-playwright-songwriter (75, M) seeks new muse to take the place of the one I've bid a happy goodbye to. afriendbfd@yahoo.co.uk Box no.
There's something actually sweet and charming about this guy. But, "The best is yet to come"? What a smackingly original insight, send me more of your poetry, and quick. Pretty please.
The general trend seems to be erudite ladies and gentlemen (often of a certain age) trying to crack a smile with a witty turn of the phrase. Some of them are very winning, and I could imagine responding. Like, for example:
I butchered three volumes of Seamus Heaney to produce this ad. Publicity exec (F, 31). Box no. 01/12
But then there's this guy:
If I had my way, Christmas would be outlawed. Also, all men would have to wear ladies’ undergarments. Confused ex-military M (62). Never the same after being posted in the Far East (Lancs. Fusiliers - Malaysia, 1965-69). Box no. 01/07
Excuse me? Is that even a personals ad? Or are you just getting that off your chest?
I think, though, that my favorite might be:
Technically, by writing this ad, I’m breaking the terms of my probation. Technically, though, I’m not really a woman either. Two wrongs always make a right in the mixed-up, muddled-up, security-tagged and banned from most Croydon shopping centres world of box no. 01/09.
WHO IS THIS PERSON? MICHAEL JACKSON??? And who in the world is this ad targeting? The King of Bahrain?
Tags:culture,personals ,london review of books
2 Comments:
At 6:48 PM, Solomon Grundy said…
Heh heh yeah that's another good one. Nothing says "marry me" like an overwrought chicken joke.
At 7:13 AM, Anonymous said…
Apparently they're bringing out a collection of the best LRB personals.
http://www.simonsays.com/content/book.cfm?tab=1&pid=524455
I think it sounds like a hoot. There's an appendix all about the stunts and injuries of Evel Knievel (???????!!!) though I'm still not convinced it makes the advertisers any more attractive...
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